The D Word

This next story was written by me just after my first semester into IITK. It is about this really brilliant guy who comes to IIT and......well just read it!

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Kunal lifted up his head and looked at the clock. It was 3:00 a.m. His wingies were all fast asleep. He lifted himself out of bed and outside his room. The cold breeze whistled past his face. The wing was deserted. He went down and had a drink of water. He then walked across to his hall quad. The sight of it brought back a bevy of memories: some good, mostly bad. He went and lied on the grass and stared at the skies. There are a million stars out there, he thought. How can one star distinguish itself from the rest? There are just far too many to outshine.....

Two years ago Kunal had entered IIT. Being one of the brightest students in his school, giving JEE came to him naturally. To nobody's surprise he cleared it handsomely. As he was a huge narcissist, he expected to continue his, habit, as he liked to call it, of being the best at everything. He had no idea what his life here would turn out to be.

Kunal was an egomaniac ever since he could remember. Coming first and being at the zenith of everything as very important to him. He was justified, in his opinion, as he did do really well in whatever he participated. But after coming to IIT, everything changed. He was no longer the person everyone looked up to. Here everyone was an IITian. Everyone had his/her own illustrious history of coming first in classes and being the blue eyed boy/girl of everyone around them. His ego took a huge blow. He was uncomfortable around everyone right from the beginning. He did very badly in the ragging sessions, not being able to tolerate the flurry of bad words thrown at him. He wasn't able to suspend his ego long enough to sing and dance in front of his seniors. More than once, he was almost reduced to tears.

He could not believe the first exam results. No! I've always topped my class. There must be some kind of mistake. He found the results very difficult to digest. But slowly it started sinking in. I'm not the best here, he realized. Not even close. Here I'm just another student. I will never be hallowed here the way I was in my school. Here there are too many really awesome people and I will never be the most respected one out of them. In reality, he hadn't done so badly at all, just made too many silly mistakes. But life can be like that sometimes. There can be times when everything that can go wrong does. Times when destiny itself plots against you in the vilest, most despicable way possible. This was one of those times. Kunal would never realize that his performance wasn't substandard. He would consider his marks to be an absolute reflection of himself. He would be caught in an amaranthine downward spiral, and would be in very deeply by the time he realized that he should break loose from it.

The inferiority complex started affecting other aspects of his life. He started doing badly in academics- though by now he was so depressed that he thought he would fail even if he studied as the others were too good. He gave up all kinds of extra-curricular activities- there was always someone there who was much better than him, so what was the point of participating? He became a recluse- lying on his bed for 20 hours a day, missing lectures, activities and quizzes. His marks went from bad to worse. Ultimately, because of his pessimistic behavior, he never realized his own potential. He would never go out and participate with avidity because winning was far too important for him.

He hated those days when he went under depression. The negative thoughts would consume him like a vortex, sucking him deeper and deeper. He would lose all sense of time, whirling in the pain and desperation of his own despair. On those days, he would be totally listless and apathetic. Darkness and misery would be his best friends. He would almost laugh to himself, a sadistic, maniacal laugh about how messed up his life was. He took to smoking, doing as many as a dozen packs a day.

"Beta, what you have to realize is, you're special. You may not be as good as the others in academics or extra curriculars but there is definitely something where you excel more than anybody else. Find your passion and stick to it. Value your life, remember it is the most dear thing you have. Don't waste your life, remember every second is precious." The psychiatrists were all the same. All of them were hypocrites, making you believe that you are extraordinarily good in something while in reality there's always someone better. Why couldn't they just speak the truth for once? It would give him some more comfort than listening to the same garbled nonsense.

But we're all hypocrites, he thought. We all shower praises on our batch mates when they do well but a part of us is jealous. It's always true. Jealousy is too natural a sin not to be committed by everyone. But we hide that jealousy behind a mask. Just as we hide our aspirations to be the best at everything. All of us want it. All of us want to be the most famous in IIT. That is why we secretly work hard for the exams but tell our friends that "I studied for like half an hour and then did time pass." That is why we hype up our friends whenever they study. "Oh, why are you studying so much? Getting a dassa, are we?" Kunal hated himself at that moment. He himself was guilty of what he was accusing the others to be. He hated his life. He hated all of his friends. He hated their two-faced behavior, he hated their hypocrisy. He especially hated those who demeaned themselves in front of others just so people have low expectations from them. "Oh, my paper went really badly, I'll be lucky to get average marks." Then they come out with flying colours and people are in awe of them because it was unexpected. Human beings are such selfish creatures, he thought. We are all ready to whore ourselves out for a bit of attention.

Sometimes he wondered if his life was just one big test. A test to see how much he could live up to other's expectations. Sometimes he wondered for whom he was living his life for. For his parents? His relatives? His 'fans' maybe- he must keep coming first at something or they'll be so disappointed! Throughout his life he had pleased others. People had high hopes from him and he had always delivered. If he didn't become an ultra cool and chaapu person in IIT, hadn't he failed at life?

But then he wondered: why? Why did he always judge himself from other's eyes? Why was it so important for him to be respected by others? He was after all an IITian, wasn't he? And even if he wasn't, did that mean he had failed? The problem lies with me, he thought. I am the one who has great expectations from myself just because others do. I allow myself to succumb to jealously. Why can't I accept the fact that I'm not unworldly good at anything. Hell, even if I was, I'll still be jealous anyway. What I have to realize is that I'm the best judge of myself. I should not attach so much importance to other's expectations simply because they cannot judge me as well as I can. The only person I am living for is myself. The only person who I must impress is me.

Success and failure are such relative things anyway. Here I am, in IIT, the so called abode of the most brilliant students in the country. More than half the students my age would be more than happy to be in a place like this. But I'm not satisfied. Why? Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I want myself to succeed so badly? What is success anyway? Does it have any benchmarks? If it did, wouldn't cracking the hardest entrance exam in the world be good enough? The competition will never stop. It's like a bottomless pit. There's no end to it. It's upto me........how I handle it. I should be able to take it in a constructive manner.

The darkness was slowly lifting now. The first rays of the sun shot past the horizon and onto the grass. Kunal lifted his head up. It was dawn. A new day. A new beginning.

Or was it?

Kunal got up. There were people moving around him now. It was time for his end-sem paper.

Sitting in the MT now, he took the cigarette to his mouth and took a long puff. As the nicotine moved through his body, he looked around. There was a lot of hustle and bustle everywhere. Groups of students were huddled together, talking about how their papers went in exaggerated tones. From his mouth, the wispy grey smoke rose upward like an uncurling serpent. He laughed softly.

Nothing had changed.

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This story is totally inspired from things I have seen and felt here. It also has some IIT lingo(wing, quad, MT(basically this place with lots of small shops where you get tea and stuff)) as it is set there. Obviously it is very black and depressing, I wanted to vent my frustration at acads and fraud lab courses into something so I guess this came up. Also wanted to write about the 'dark side' of human nature, how sometimes every little thing we do is fuelled by greed. But hey, it is not always like that. It is always better to be happy than sad, I guess. But sometimes you just can't help yourself and get sucked into more and more negative thoughts. OK, I'll end this here, let me know if you think the whole thing makes sense or is immature or whatever :)