OK, my next entry, you had to write a hate mail to your gf/bf who had dumped you, venting out your feelings for her/him. This is the result of a couple of hours in the CC and some help from Aditya(thanks!):
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Dear 'It was not you, it was me',
Hey there! How are you? Today is just such a beautiful day. I woke up in the morning to the sweet sounds of birds chirping, made more beautiful by the conspicuous absence of a certain someone. Then I went to the bakery and had a slice of delicious cherry pie, man, that would have awakened the calorie-counting freak in you. Hehe I still remember when we in the restaurant that day, you had said "Oooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh there are SO MANY 'EFFING CALORIES in the cup of coffee here, I mean it is more fattening than greasy pork fat covered in greasy pork fat with extra mayonnaise. I sweeeeeeeeeeeeeear I'm putting on too much weight, I mean I've added like 36 grams since last week. " Then I walked past the supermarket, one of your favourite haunts........I'm still haunted by it. How many shopping hours per day was it again? 1? 2? 12? Speaking of numbers that describe your vanity, completed your daily quota of 19 beauty parlour visits yet? I swear the parlour's owner's kids worship you every night, I mean their daily supply of essential commodities like chocolate cakes(with glaze icing, yum!) and sports cars would stop without your 'funding'. Speaking of funding, hope Mr. "Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?" has enough money to support your jewel fetish. You know I've always wondered as to how you can carry all those precious stones on you without imploding into yourself like the twin towers.
I still remember surprisingly vividly your very intelligent quotes that were told to me when we broke up. "We want different things", I think you said. I mean yeah , I want a girl and you a guy so its kinda obvious really but whatever. "Maybe this is not the right time for us." Yeah, you're right, I just read your horoscope and it says something about getting brain tumour on being in a relationship with a 6 foot 1 inch tall Aquarian with black curly hair, brown eyes and a small hook-shaped scar on the lower part of the left thigh. And my personal favourite "I love you, but I'm not in love with you. " Man, that was DEEP. I mean, I could practically drown in it.....and almost did. It was deeper than the deepest ocean times 10. Mariana Trench is like a rain puddle compared to it. You should write poetry, seriously.
I hope you're happy with your Mr. "Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven?". You two are as compatible as Elton John and Britney Spears....oh wait, never mind. So you DID fall from heaven, huh? Surprising how you never told me. How was the weather there? Saw any cute cherubs? Wonder why they kicked you out in the first place hmmmmm. Maybe they wanted you to suffer for what you did to a certain someone........never mind that either. I heard that this new "boyfriend" of yours, Mr. "Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart(Do you need extra cheese with that Big Mac?)" has been a regular customer of a place I should not be mentioning. Anyway Mr. "So, you're a girl huh?" and I met yesterday.........a most chirpy and gay fellow I must say. I mean, he was practically rope skipping down the road singing some Backstreet Boys song. All he needed was a pretty red frilly skirt with flowery designs and the look would be complete. We ended up having a very "intellectual" conversation about politics, religion and the big Ken-Barbie breakup and how it profoundly affected our social lives-well that was him mostly. You know, Mr. "Be unique and different, say yes" reminds me of a cross between a boy band and Karate Kid. Oh and his skin is oilier than an Arabian oil rig and has more craters than the surface of the moon and no skin cream accident will ever change that. And his hair, oh Lord! You could deep fry more than a dozen chicken legs in that greasy lump.
I really wish you guys hit it off. I mean, I know for one that he will really love you. I mean, who could not like your 16 layers of make-up? Mr. "Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?" also loves your absolute dominating nature, I could practically see the antennas coming out of his head whose remote is in your hands as I write. I mean, he probably has to take your permission every time he wants to rearrange his doll collection(which he does with alarming frequency, I've heard). I hope you're not being too hard on the poor guy. Mr. "Damn! Somebody needs to write explosive on you, because you are the bomb!" doesn't look like he'll live through half an episode of Pokemon, so your absolute supremacy over him may put his chances of survival below that of a kid in Michael Jackson's bedroom(hey wait, I'm not supposed to be explicitly explicit but what the hell). He may not be as trustworthy as your spare make-up kit or as handsome as Tom Cruise in Spandex but at least Mr. "Baby, if you were words on a page, you'd be what they call FINE PRINT!" is trying really hard to cope up with your Hitler-esque demands.
And what about me? Life goes on, I guess. You were totally right about " We don't do our emotional business in the same way." and "We are not really cut out for each other." I mean, you ARE a cut above the rest so......"How will I know I want to spend the next 50 years with you unless I date other people?" I mean who can stop you from saying that to the next guy.....and the next, and the next....... but hey, who am I to question. You had, I believe, also said "I can't see myself with you when I am eighty." Yeah well, eyesight can be a fair-weather friend when you get that old. "Dating you is killing who I am." Wow, I didn't know that killing you was even possible, I mean I don't think you're mortal enough to have a soul. "Yes, I love you, but I really, really hate you too." Hey, more DEEP(SOS!) poetry! Have you taken my advice on being a poet yet?
Well, here's wishing you and Mr. "You know what I like about you? My arms." a long time together. Maybe he will do a better job than me and actually pass the hundred plus tests you set before him like so many precarious land mines. But hey, if he doesn't, you'll just find someone else. We're all the same dummy dolls anyway. I really hope you're happy after all that you've done because if you aren't, well, tough luck, it's all over. Well, I've taken WAY too much of your time with this (isn't it shopping hour #9 already?) so I'll just say so long, be happy and thanks for all the fish.
Yours no more,
The guy who wasn't 'The One'
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Writing this one was TONS of fun, all the cheesy pick-up lines just made our day :)
