Chicken Burger v/s PETA's Veggie Burger

OK, so there was this creative writing competition in IIT last week and being the jobless people we are, I and Saketh HAD to participate in it :) So this was one entry we wrote together. The topic was about which burger is better between veggie and chicken........instead of going all ethical, Saketh got the idea to poke fun at the topic and I was all game. This is the result:

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Well, its time for the grand showdown. You may have already read many of the critical comparisons of the two most tummy-rumbling food products of our time . The two burgers from either side of The Divide provide a yummy debate as to which is the better product. Not since the discovery of The Sliced Bread has the world witnessed such a spicy controversy...But the duck stops here. We provide the definitive answer to the Question with our thorough analysis...

1)The Look

The first thing you do with a burger? Eye it malevolently and do a quick-approximation of whether it will satisfy one or not. It happens within a fraction of a second, and my scientist friends has proved that it doesn't matter at all. Well, Bullocks to my scientist friends as ...

Veggie Burger ~ In the green shorts, we have..The Veggie Burger!(Cheers and plant-chants!)...With a lot of mean green..Soy!, Does this food-product pack a lot of crunch. Veggie Aficionados contest hotly that the Veggie Burger has been the most mouth-watering invention of man since The Water-Bottle. Sandwiched between two juicy buns fresh from the oven..are layers of lettuces, onions, tomatoes, patty...with mayonnaise, mustard, ketchup added as per the sampler's taste. Together,they form a mosaic of breath-taking colors (thats why we discuss the smell separately) more eye-catching than the word Mississippi(eye-count : 4). If you don't believe in love at first sight..well,you'll have to see it to believe it.

Chicken Burger ~ In the other corner,we have ..in the red shorts..theeee Chicken Burger!(Beers and cat-calls!). Looking much the same, fanatic fans of the Chicken Burger claim it has all that the Veggie has...and more. The very look inspires visions of feather-flapping tongue-clucking chickens all waiting to be devoured. But well,that's kinda nauseating. Not at all inspiring. Round One to the Veggie Burger!

But, as they say don't judge a Burger by its outer crust.

Veggie Burger 1-0 Chicken Burger

2)The Aroma(Ahhhhhh)

As already mentioned, these products are breath-taking to say the least and outright lung-bursting, to say a little more. Both have that aroma that wafts through your nostrils, elevating one to the upper-echelons of Gourmet Goodness. But we are doing relative grading here, and the most lenient of the infamous IITK Prof's will agree that what matters is not how you perform, but whether you outperform. And with that little teeny-weeny extra tinge of Chicken ...the Chicken Burger wins by a short beak.

Veggie Burger 1 - 1 Chicken Burger

3)The Taste

As we come to the third category in our much-anticipated Burger-Showdown, the fight sizzles just like 'em Burger Patties being golden-fried in oil on the grill. But when it comes to taste, both deliver what they promise . Mind Blowingly tasty, they send your taste buds to Taste Bud Heaven and back. But the chicken does it again, with an amazing 1 out of 1 person, Mr.Atep Itna(name withheld) saying that the Chicken Burger grossly out-tasted the Veggie Burger. Thats a Whopping 100 % folks! A Landslide victory...

Veggie Burger 1- 2 Chicken Burger

4)McDonalds Bout

Well, You gotta admit, What an average person eats is not what they make at home or the Burger-By-The-Road. As for Burger King,they can be ignored as a negligible variable. What remains constant is that most people go to that big-friendly ubiquitous yellow M to have their daily meal. And seeing as the average guy has a less-than-average IQ, what they like is what sounds good And whether they choose to Super-Size it or not,The McChicken Burger is a much more awesome name than the McVeggie Burger. McChicken sounds all Mc'cky and Chickeny..whereas the McVeggie just sounds plain mucky and gives you the heebie-jeebies. McChicken rules the roost!

Veggie Burger 1-3 Chicken Burger

5)The Big Question

"Why did the Chicken cross the road?" must be one of the most funny lines in Humor History ever. With a billion funny off-springs, it must be one of the most enduring timeless master-pieces. And whats funny is, it actually IS funny, unlike many other jokes(I'm looking at you,knock-knock). Just the fact that there ain't no"Why did the Veggie cross the road?" classic is enough to give this one to the Chicken Burger.

Veggie Burger 1-4 Chicken Burger

6)Google Fight 1

Veggie Burger is the best....300,000 results

Chicken Burger is the best...278,000 results

Veggie Burger 2-4Chicken Burger

7)Price

Not every man can afford that burger-a-hour. So cost counts and counts a lot. After all, it boils down to whether you can actually pay for that sumptuous Burger of your choice, and as is universally known, the Veggie Burger wins this one wings down.

Veggie Burger 3-4 Chicken Burger

8)PETA Expansion

"People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals" are a well-meaning warm-hearted group of blokes standing up for what they think is right. Well,most of them at least. "People Eating Tasty Animals" on the other hand is a distasteful expansion, though it is just about remotely funny. Veggie Burger forever!

Veggie Burger 4-4 Chicken Burger

9)Coin TossWe all agree luck matters a lot.

Coin used~Standard One Rupee coin. Heads to the Veggie burger, Tails to the chicken Burger.

THHTTHHTTH

Tie Breaker-T.

Veggie Burger 4-5 Chicken Burger

10 )Ethics

After all, we should take the chicken's point of view into consideration as well. I mean, who would like to be roasted and eaten. The Veggie Burger is as nutritious and comes cheaper. And whatever extra proteins Chicken has, vegetables do too. And agreed, plants might feel pain too, but cmon, don't tell me animals don't feel it more. And if we can live comfortably by being vegetarian...isn't eating non-vegetarian food uncalled for? Especially when the animals are treated so badly...I think almost all of you agree that the Veggie Burger is more ethical than the Chicken Burger ...

Conscience pursues us to give it to the Veggie Burger.

Veggie Burger 5-5 Chicken Burger

11) Google Fight 2

Eating Chicken Burger will help you get laid ...73,800 results

Eating Veggie Burger will help you get laid..153,000 results

That does it. End of Story.

Veggie Burger 6-5 Chicken Burger

So, there you have it, folks! The Big Burger Battle is over! Eleven rounds of nail-biting edge-of-the-seat action, and the Veggie Burger emerges the deserving winner 6-5. Close..but the Veggie Burger manages to win it at the last moment. So its the Veggie Burger that rules the roost after all. Thats it for this issue...so long, and thanks for all the burgers!

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This article is meant to be taken in a very light vein, as was our mood when we wrote this. It was fun putting in totally random stuff in what should have been a serious debate on morals and ethics and what not. Saketh was the major contributer in this one, lemme know what your opinions are.